A punch in the gutt...

Peanut had another great day Monday. Mom took me down to spend the morning with him. The team put him back on on his feedings - he gets 2cc's of the pumped "dairy factory" (that's ME) every three hours and is taking it like a champ!!! No little yucky green stuff coming back up in the feeding tube. (Sorry - but that is what it is, remember, no secrets.)

He also had his first brain scan yesterday. This is something that is done automatically on all babies born before 32 weeks. The scan is checking for intraventricular hemorrhage's or what is commonly called brain bleeds. His came back showing that he had had one. From the looks of things, the neo doc seems to think that his was about 2 weeks old and was already clotted. (Yes, that would mean that he had it in-utero, which could also be why God said he needed to come early, he needed to be monitored...I'm not questioning God's plan or trying to figure it out at all. I know he has one and being a slightly (stop laughing) strong type A person that I am, I've let go and trust God.)

It does not appear to still be bleeding. Good thing.

Now, what does all that mean? The clot does not allow the blood to flow as it should, and it backs up into these little ram horn shaped ventricular thingy's and they ventricles get big because they are filled with fluid and it all puts pressure on the still growing brain. Pressure on the brain for any long periods of time can cause "issues".

Back to why we were all so stunned by this. Little man has shown NO symptoms to even make anyone think that he could have/had one. NONE! He keeps his heart rate up, he sucks on his baba (our families word for paci) like a champ. He moves his limbs with purpose (pulls out the nasal cannula's all the time and puts them in his mouth)...his head is like it should be on the outside...and while he has been orange, he has not been blue...

So what now....nothing. We wait and continue to pray until Monday and they do another scan. We pray that the clots are being absorbed by the body (think of a scab if you had a booboo on your arm) and the fluid gets to moving as it should and the ventricles gets smaller. His team said that smaller, no change or even the slightest enlargement is a good thing. What we don't want to see if they went from big to really big that fast. That would require immediate intervention.

Intervention could be a spinal tap to drain but that is nothing but a quick fix, most possible action would be shunt. Which would be a surgery. The thought of him being operated on makes me want to be sick.

Neo Doc says that he has so much going for him, he really sees this being a great outcome, although there is no way to know or predict. (Oh how we wish doctors could predict things. A crystal ball might help?)

The past 12 hours have been a roller coaster - I'm still crying alot. Mostly out of fear. I still struggle to get the words out. I knew that there would be a hurdle or two, but this was NOT one I expected. I get very tense, I can feel it in my back and neck, and I try to take a breath and give it all back to God.

I hate the thought of him going through anything like a surgery - but if that's what it takes, I'll take a breath and we'll go forward.

So we sit and wait for next week. And we pray.

Please continue to pray for him!!!

PS - Thank you all who continue to ask how I am doing. Physically I am ok for the most part. I'm tired, but that's from the emotional part and keeping up with the feeding schedule. Emotionally I have good hours and bad hours. Here is my movie reference, since those of you who know me, know I've got to give a movie line at some point...... A Sally Field moment....I'm Fine, I'm fine, I could walk all to Texas and back ........ That's how I felt last night - ok - and maybe some Sybil thrown in there for good measure. I mean, if I'm going to go all Sally Field might go all the way ya know?